you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
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Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
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I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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