i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
