I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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