I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
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New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
You pole danced in your parka.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
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Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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