I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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