this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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