my phone needs a breathalizer
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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