Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
