I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
