just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
