I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
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I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
so much tequila, so little girl.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
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