I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
