is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
