Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
