Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
