I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
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