My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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