I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
