my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
