if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Randomize
