I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
