Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
