I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
