my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
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I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
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but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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