Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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