Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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