No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize