But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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