Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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