Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
