I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
