why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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