dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
