If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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