Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
