dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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