I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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