All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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