You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
