a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
