my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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