i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
