Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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