I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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