it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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