Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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