My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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