we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize