I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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