I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
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