So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
bring money and cleavage
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Someone signed my nipple.
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