Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
