My Higher Power is John Stamos
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
