I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
