Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
We need a shit load of segways right now
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
