I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
